Overwhelmed? Almost...

I walked in the door and hit the ground running. There were papers to be filed, insurance cards to be had, meetings to attend, teams to be chosen, ministries to be organized, papers to write, 4 books to read (that's just the required reading), scriptures to be memorized, exercise is not optional, journaling daily required, sharing testimonies and recording it 3x weekly, people to meet, wal-mart runs needed, lack of sleep, up at 6am, bed at midnight, accountability partners, house church, learning covenants, tax forms, it took 2 full session to go over the schedule, visions to be journaled, goals to be formulated, and in amongst this mayhem we are supposed to be meeting with the almighty God and seeking his heart for our lives and for the nations.

Are you feeling overwhelmed? Just typing this non-exhaustive list of duties exhausts me. There are 230 new people to meet. regional representatives to use as a resource. An extensive library packed with mission books, prayer cards to make, prayer networking to be done, and on and on and on it goes. for days now.

I just want to shout when peace like a river attendeth my soul....
It is so hard to take a deep breath of this farmland air and remember God's calling and his purpose for my time here. Yes, I need to learn, Yes i need to be stretched, but more than all of these duties he is calling for me to sit at the footstool of Jesus, bowed in His throneroom and absorb all of him that I can.

When I arrive in Colombia they will not need my doctrine, they will not want my facts, they will want to look into my eyes and see the love of a father, THE father who created them in his own image. I need to absorb his heart to be my heart so that I will radiate his love to his people.

During a time of testimony a young hispanic girl stood up on friday afternoon. I had already shared of my homesickness and my guilt of not being 100% here in my heart. Many others had shed tears and wept for the things they had left behind and begged God for strength and peace. She quietly walked to the microphone, which she had to tilt down considerably because of her small stature, and she quietly spoke,

"I was not going to share. I am very shy. my name is emily and I am from peru. I have been listening to you all share about what you are leaving behind and how hard it is to leave your family and homes and go to a new place, but i want you to know that a long time ago a baptist missionary came to peru, to my people group, and shared the gospel with my grandmother. Because of the missionary, my grandmother shared with my mother and because of that missionary leaving his family and home to come to my people and tell my grandmother about jesus, I am here. So I know that it is hard to leave your family, but the people you are going to have faces, they have names, and they have families, and you may never see the results of what you are going to do, but their children and grandchildren will hear the story of Jesus because you are willing to go."

Go does not call us to a certain place or people, he calls us to obedience.
I am going to tell someone's grandmother about Jesus soon. I am going to lead a father to a local church where his family will be discipled. I am going to follow God to the nations, because they are not just faces to God. They are his children and they will not hear the gospel if we don't go and tell them.

I have been here for a week almost.
The people here are amazing!
God's presence is in this place.
His people are waiting for us.

And so it begins...

I cried all the way down the street. I thought the radio would distract me. I thought the traffic would distract me. I thought the miles would ease the difficulty. It was many miles before I realized that the longer I waited for my strength to come, the harder it was to force myself not to turn the car around. Then I heard it. Have you ever been driving in the car and heard a song and thought to yourself, "wow I really needed that." Imagine the hardest day of your life and the most perfect song combining. It was like the moment in the movies when the song seems like it was written for that moment, those tears, these characters. I know this song wasn't written for me or my moment, but it was all I needed to turn my tear-filled eyes off of myself, my situation, and my ever-failing strength and turn my eyes to the one who is the source of all strength. If you haven't heard this song you should go listen to it. NOW. Ready? Go. I am sure that I will listen to it again and again as I so easily fall back into the habit of waiting for my strength to be all that I need to overcome my selfish desires of wanting to return to the place that I am comfortable. Because if I were to be honest, it was hundreds of miles and not even the distance could convince my flesh that this was a safe and happy place. My flesh is fighting harder than I could have ever prepared myself for. It wants to return home to the safe, the comfortable, the mundane of everyday life. But oh how I long to stay and fight to be sitting in His will. How I MUST fight to stay safe in His hands, in this time, in this place, out of my comfort zone, in His plan. This is where my heart longs to be. Sitting at the feet of the one who made me, fighting to be where he has willed me to be.

The motions--Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something'
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something'
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything,instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything,instead of going through the motions?"
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Oh God that we would be a people that would cry out to you that we don't want to spend my whole life asking, "what if we had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"

Make me a person who won't waste my life going through the motions.
Take me all the way.

Richmond, Va-- Day 1

Learning How to Say Goodbye...

19"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." 20At once they left their nets and followed him. Matthew 4:19-20

He called. I am trying to listen. I am trying to leave my net. I want to follow Him, but how do you leave everything you know, your way of life, your friends, your family, and know that they will go on spending their days standing by the lake, fishing, watching the sun rise and set without you. How do you willingly let go of the everyday life knowing that they will move on as time causes everyone to do. I don't think I know how to leave without a fight. I suppose it will be one of the hardest lessons that I will have learned.

How do you say goodbye?

Some say there is no goodbye, only a see you later. I will see them later, but I will return a different person. So I may see them again, but they will not see me again. Or at least they will not see this me again. So it is in fact a "goodbye" to this time and place, to this person, in this house, in this circumstance. Goodbye to this me I have worked on all my life.

When God calls us to a higher place or a harder place, we can only answer in obedience or spend our lives running from the person He intended for us to be. I've never been much of a runner. I chose obedience. I am choosing obedience. I must choose obedience daily, hourly. We all must choose obedience.

Even when obedience means learning to say Goodbye. Even when goodbye are the words we fear the most. Even when we cannot utter the words for strain in the back of our throats fighting back the tears. Even when it feels like the end of everything we know to be safe, secure, and right. Sometimes we must let the tears fall, surrender to the momentary sadness, look up and find our strength in the voice that is calling us, and we must say yes.

I leave tomorrow. Many more fits with tears are sure to come. But we are not alone. I am not alone.